October 15, 2015

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One of the latest things that the environmentalists are trying to take away from us is the SUV. They’re really threatened by all of the freedom that SUV drivers are experiencing without their permission, which is kind of the way that freedom is, not that they care. Green freaks have now managed to convince everyone that it isn’t possible to actually care at all about the environment and drive an SUV at the same time. If Al Gore has become the symbol of the Green movement today, the SUV has become the symbol of his worst enemy. They should have Al Gore debate against an SUV – that’s about how fair the debate usually is.

I want to say once and for all: SUV drivers love nature! We freaking love it! I can’t get enough of the outdoors. I would live there if they had more beer. I don’t use toxic chemicals to wash my SUV – I’m proud of the wonderful, all-natural dirt. I worked hard to get it there. I really hate being told that I’m somehow destroying the environment by owning an SUV, even though I always feel like I never really get to experience nature without it anyway.

My friend drives an SUV that has a low miles per gallon rating. I know, an SUV with a low miles per gallon rating: that’s like an honest politician, right? Something that only exists in the fevered imaginations of extremely idealistic super-liberals that have designed the perfect utopia in their brains and wish they could live there? Well, no.

His Lexus NX300h get 29 miles per gallon most of the time. That’s 34 miles per gallon on the highway, and 23 miles per gallon in the city. That’s better than a lot of cars that are way smaller. I know that random people driving station wagons don’t get anywhere near as much garbage from environmentalists about their cars, even if their cars really aren’t that much better than SUVs. Either hate all cars and hate all drivers, which I guess some of you do anyway, or at least be less selective in who you hate.