October 22, 2015

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I Don't Have a Green SUV, But I Could


I’m not going to lie: my Nissan Xterra is not a fuel efficient car. It gets 16 miles per gallon in the city and it gets 22 miles per gallon on the highway. I understand that according to the modern morality that was invented around ten years ago, this means that for environmental reasons, I need to be ground up and used as fuel in the SUV itself to save on gas. Hey, at least that means that I’d actually die happy, which seems to be the sort of thing that a lot of environmentalists just won’t settle for – they want people to die as miserably as they live.

I would like to apologize for my truly sinful gas guzzling ways. However, before I am executed before a jury of my peers, I would like to say that if environmentalists really want to help, they should be working harder at making an SUV that is even more efficient than the Lexus NX300h. I promise that I actually would buy it if you came out with it and it was even more awesome than my Nissan Xterra. I’m not guzzling gas for the fun of it. I’m not even getting you guys angry for the fun of it. That is a bug, not a feature, but I can make fun of you people anyway and I wouldn’t have to spend a ridiculous amount of money in order to do so.

Trust me, environmentalists, I don’t actually want to spend a lot of money on gas in order to have an SUV. I’ll do it, but I really would like to save money. I like having money. Help me drive an awesome SUV and save money on gas, and I’ll cooperate.

I’m an off-roader. Half of the reason I like doing that in the first place is because I really want to be able to see nature from that vantage point. I like nature. You like nature. We can agree on that. We shouldn’t be enemies! Help me get the kind of SUV that you want, and don’t assume I’m a villain from Captain Planet just because I drive an SUV from today.

If you’re an environmentalist and that’s what you want, I have no beef with you. I probably could have beef with you too, because you’re probably also the kind of environmentalist who will let me eat beef. If you’re the kind of environmentalist who wants to take away meat and SUVs, though, I refer you back to my proclamation: SUVs can be green! And, I guess, so can beef.