Vehicle

I really don’t even think regular driving even feels like driving. You have to stay within these very narrow lanes. You have to constantly stop and start your car according to what the other drivers are doing and the traffic lights. Cops are everywhere, or at least it feels like they are. You don’t get any of the sheer freedom that you can get with off-roading, which is why I think off-roading is the real thing when it comes to driving.

You can really see what your car is capable of when you drive off the road. When I’m in traffic, the only thing that I know my car is capable of is advancing a few feet, and I could do that in pretty much any car. What’s the point of an SUV if that’s the only thing you’re going to do with it? Really, if you have an SUV and you’ve only ridden it on your way to work, you are totally missing out on the experience.

The SUV is not a commuter vehicle for the people who are just trying to go from being home drones to office drones. This is the vehicle for the people who are as free as a bird, or at least for the people who want to be free as a bird when someone lets them out of their cage.

You can get the feel of the SUV when you’re going up and down different hills, and you totally don’t get that when you’re on any kind of paved surface. You can also really feel how fast you’re going. You don’t have to worry about some cop catching you speeding. You are one with the car, and it can take you places at speeds that you’ve never felt before.

Off-road driving also requires actual skill. You’ll hear a lot about old guys bragging about how they can drive a stick shift and all of us kids today are spoiled with our automatic steering. That’s a pretty dated opinion today, since most cars have automatic steering. I don’t think that the cars themselves should be hard to drive. Driving should be hard because of the terrain. If you can’t get a car across the road, that should be your fault because you’re a lousy driver. If you can’t handle the tough parts of off-roading, that means you need to work harder at it.

Off-roading just gives you this pure sense of freedom that you don’t have on the regular road. Roads are paved. Their constrained. They were planned ahead by some government department that is going to continue to rule your life as soon as you park the car, even if you can forget about them for a little while as soon as you get behind the wheel. It’s really hard to feel cool when you’re on the road. When you’re off the road, driving becomes everything that you thought it was going to be when you were fifteen and still learning to drive. Then you drove with your dad, and he spent most of the lesson teaching you about all of the rules. Driver’s Ed almost felt like it was mostly about what not to do as opposed to what you should do, and who wants to learn to drive like that?

When you go off the road, you’re living the dream you couldn’t when you were fifteen. You can now: go to a field and get started. Then, you should be able to handle inclines even if they don’t have any pavement. From there, you could end up driving through the mountains someday like you’re one of the original modern mountain men. You can look down at all of nature knowing that you basically beat it, which is way more than most people will ever do, even if they have an SUV.

You may have considered getting an SUV before, but you’ve wondered whether or not they really are as awesome as you’ve heard. Chances are, they’re even better than that. They look extremely cool from the road, it’s true, but they look that much cooler up close. The experience of actually driving them, of course, cannot be surpassed in the visual sense.

When you drive an SUV or even ride in it as a passenger, you feel like you’re in another class altogether. It’s like you’re hovering above the other cars. We have different lanes on the road. This is like having different lanes above the road. You’re in one of the upper lanes, and you feel like you’re riding one of the world’s biggest and heaviest magic carpets all the while. Scratch that: you feel like you could kick the world’s backside if you wanted, and it’s hard to beat that when you’re just driving to work.

SUVs are the vehicles for the people who have high standards and who won’t settle for average no matter what. You could drive a small car, or you could drive the kind of car that will really make you push yourself to your limits. You could spend your life on you backside, only going out into the world and enjoying it when your bosses let you, or you could actually feel things and take risks. I always thought that was the sort of mindset that SUVs were promoting, and that’s the way you feel when you’re actually on the road.

Even the most mundane things seem awesome if you do them in an SUV. Getting coffee at a drive-through feels more awesome if you do it in an SUV. Accelerating your engine feels more awesome if you do it in an SUV. It really doesn’t even feel like a vehicle in the same way that a car is a vehicle. An SUV really belongs in its own class when it comes to all things vehicular, because it really is the exception to every rule. It’s honestly really hard to go back to a regular car once you’ve actually had the liberating experience of driving an SUV for the first time.

You need to live in the right place if you want to drive off the road a lot of the times. Some places have ridiculous local laws about off-road driving, usually about how it’s going to affect the children, the environment, or both. You’re going to have to make sure that your area doesn’t have anything like that if you’re planning on doing some local off-road driving. If you can make the trip though, you should totally check out these awesome locations from the perfect perspective of your Jeep or your SUV.

Colorado is a great state for off-roading to begin with because of how much open and undeveloped space it has. It also has a lot of great mountainous areas, so if you have what it takes to get to the highest points, you’ll be rewarded by these really awesome views. It’s also just a great place to visit in the summer. If I had to pick the single greatest place in all of Colorado to go off-roading, though, it would definitely be the Argentine Pass.

You really don’t even know Colorado until you’ve actually gotten to the top of the Argentine Pass. There is no pass in the whole state of Colorado that’s higher which is also accessible by a vehicle, unless you have an airplane or a jet pack. Getting to actually look back at all of these incredible mountainous areas is just unbelievable. ‘Awesome’ doesn’t even begin to cover it. You really have to be good at off-roading before you can really get to the top of this pass, but if you’re man enough and you have enough practice, you really can make it.

While you’re in Colorado, you also need to check out the Imogene Pass. It isn’t a awesome as Argentine Pass, but it’s close enough that you really shouldn’t leave Colorado without taking it on. It’s also a little easier than Argentine Pass, even if it also takes a road warrior or a road warrior in training to really get there. It’s also a great place to go hiking if you want to get to the very top of all the nearby peaks. If you’re like me and like to go camping or hiking after off-roading, then this is one of the best places to go.

Of course, Colorado and that entire region of the country also has a lot of great open fields, and I really recommend that to someone who is just starting out when it comes to off-roading. Don’t be a hero: you don’t need to automatically tackle the hardest places in order to prove how manly you are. Sometimes even when you have a lot of off-roading experience it’s fun to ride around in an open field for a little while. You can still feel free, but this time you’re going to feel both free and relaxed.

Almost anywhere in the American West is going to have lots of great places to drive off the road on a flat, open prairie. You’ll also find a lot of locals who are really enthusiastic about off-roading. Off-road driving is way more popular in those parts of the country. They have more space for it. I think that they also are more about freedom, which is a big part of it. One way or another, you can honestly have the time of your driving life by doing some off-road driving in the American West.

I Don't Have a Green SUV, But I Could

Ford-Escape-SUV-Rear

I’m not going to lie: my Nissan Xterra is not a fuel efficient car. It gets 16 miles per gallon in the city and it gets 22 miles per gallon on the highway. I understand that according to the modern morality that was invented around ten years ago, this means that for environmental reasons, I need to be ground up and used as fuel in the SUV itself to save on gas. Hey, at least that means that I’d actually die happy, which seems to be the sort of thing that a lot of environmentalists just won’t settle for – they want people to die as miserably as they live.

I would like to apologize for my truly sinful gas guzzling ways. However, before I am executed before a jury of my peers, I would like to say that if environmentalists really want to help, they should be working harder at making an SUV that is even more efficient than the Lexus NX300h. I promise that I actually would buy it if you came out with it and it was even more awesome than my Nissan Xterra. I’m not guzzling gas for the fun of it. I’m not even getting you guys angry for the fun of it. That is a bug, not a feature, but I can make fun of you people anyway and I wouldn’t have to spend a ridiculous amount of money in order to do so.

Trust me, environmentalists, I don’t actually want to spend a lot of money on gas in order to have an SUV. I’ll do it, but I really would like to save money. I like having money. Help me drive an awesome SUV and save money on gas, and I’ll cooperate.

I’m an off-roader. Half of the reason I like doing that in the first place is because I really want to be able to see nature from that vantage point. I like nature. You like nature. We can agree on that. We shouldn’t be enemies! Help me get the kind of SUV that you want, and don’t assume I’m a villain from Captain Planet just because I drive an SUV from today.

If you’re an environmentalist and that’s what you want, I have no beef with you. I probably could have beef with you too, because you’re probably also the kind of environmentalist who will let me eat beef. If you’re the kind of environmentalist who wants to take away meat and SUVs, though, I refer you back to my proclamation: SUVs can be green! And, I guess, so can beef.

One of the latest things that the environmentalists are trying to take away from us is the SUV. They’re really threatened by all of the freedom that SUV drivers are experiencing without their permission, which is kind of the way that freedom is, not that they care. Green freaks have now managed to convince everyone that it isn’t possible to actually care at all about the environment and drive an SUV at the same time. If Al Gore has become the symbol of the Green movement today, the SUV has become the symbol of his worst enemy. They should have Al Gore debate against an SUV – that’s about how fair the debate usually is.

I want to say once and for all: SUV drivers love nature! We freaking love it! I can’t get enough of the outdoors. I would live there if they had more beer. I don’t use toxic chemicals to wash my SUV – I’m proud of the wonderful, all-natural dirt. I worked hard to get it there. I really hate being told that I’m somehow destroying the environment by owning an SUV, even though I always feel like I never really get to experience nature without it anyway.

My friend drives an SUV that has a low miles per gallon rating. I know, an SUV with a low miles per gallon rating: that’s like an honest politician, right? Something that only exists in the fevered imaginations of extremely idealistic super-liberals that have designed the perfect utopia in their brains and wish they could live there? Well, no.

His Lexus NX300h get 29 miles per gallon most of the time. That’s 34 miles per gallon on the highway, and 23 miles per gallon in the city. That’s better than a lot of cars that are way smaller. I know that random people driving station wagons don’t get anywhere near as much garbage from environmentalists about their cars, even if their cars really aren’t that much better than SUVs. Either hate all cars and hate all drivers, which I guess some of you do anyway, or at least be less selective in who you hate.